ABOUT THE INGREDIENTS

They literally define the product. So let me define for you, goodman, the best men’s hair growth products in the known universe, also known as Polished Gentleman.

MANUKA HONEY

They say honey is the nectar of the Gods… Well, this honey was the stuff they kept hidden from the kids in a cookie jar shaped like a winged horse on top of the extraordinarily tall refrigerator because it is just that magnificent. What can it do for you? What can’t it do is the better question. It can heal, it can soothe, it can reverse the damage time has wrought. It possesses natural qualities that allow it to assassinate more effectively than Liam Neeson any bacterium, virus, or fungus that dare cross its path. This is one honey that is most decidedly polished.

ALOE VERA

Being sunburned is not very classy. A gentleman is not a lobster, nor is a lobster a gentleman. The two are not, nor can they ever be, one and the same. There’s just too much red involved. Peeling, blisters, and pain widen the divide between being sunburned and being polished. That’s where aloe vera comes in. Famous for its work in burnt skin, but ignored for its work in hair care, I am here to give credit where credit is due and educate you about the sheer glory of aloe vera. Moisturizing. Healing. Soothing. Nourishing. These are all words that apply in the fullest sense to what aloe vera can do for your hair. They have more vitamins than most vitamins do—that’s how classy this stuff is.

CEHAMI

This exotic botanical hails from one of the most deadly, dangerous, and magical lands on this majestic Earth, also known as Australia. When one thinks of Australia, perhaps they think of spiders raining down from above like some kind of whirling eight-legged storm, but in this case you must replace that image with one of the loveliest and most glorious flowers that delight of a lady called Mother Nature has bequeathed us. Because that’s exactly what cehami is—a beauteous bloom with magnificent abilities other flowers go without. Like the ability to soothe, hydrate, heal, and also reduce that ridiculous condition that is inflammation and pain. Or like the ability to calm, with just one whiff, a charging bull with steel-tipped horns before it impales your regrettably red-clad self. That’s how powerful this flower is, my good sir.

ARGAN OIL

This miracle oil can be bowed down to for many a reason. I shall list them for you. It has a wonderfully odd name that might remind one of that astounding series where a short, hairy man seeks to destroy a lovely golden ring—some might even call it “precious.” It endows the hair with a sleekness and shine not often found in a man, but often found in Big Foot, a longtime client, if anyone could just get a clear enough picture. It moisturizes unlike anything you have ever seen before, eliminating that decidedly unpolished affliction that is frizzy hair. It may be an oil, but your hair won’t feel oily—just like a gentlemanly duck with meticulously maintained feathers that regularly conditions and doesn’t turn up its beak at the occasional bubble bath—that duck never feels oily, only polished.

BIOTIN

When you find yourself lacking in this vitamin, your magnificent mane suffers for it. Like a house cat that’s been shaved into a lion hair cut for the summer, you just won’t look quite right. Biotin is essential, just as a drawer exclusively for neckwear is. Without it, nails turn brittle and hair falls out. But with it, your hair could grow thicker and fuller than a bear after a blow-dry. You hair needs its health, and that’s exactly what biotin and I promise to give.

ROSEMARY

It’s not just for that very worthy endeavor of cooking. Feeling stressed? Rosemary. Feeling sick to your stomach? Rosemary. Feeling foggy and forgetful? Well, that’s ginger. Or mint. But, could also be rosemary! But that is neither here nor there. What we’re interested in, my goodman, is bringing your inner gentleman to the surface. With that in mind, it is rosemary’s ability to stimulate hair growth we care most about! Just as rosemary makes almost any dish better, so too does it make my shampoos and conditioners their best. Want a mane as thick and flowing as a wealthy tiger that made all its money in oil and so spoiled its lovely stripes with the best products out there (Polished Gentleman), and therefore hasn’t bothered to visit a barber in years? Rosemary is the dame for you.

TEA TREE

If tea is such a classy drink, then a tree of tea must logically be the most polished shrubbery ever to exist! And so it is. Tea tree oil is good for the mind, body, and soul. But that’s not all—it’s also good for your hair! Whether that hair be on your head or your face, whether it be sparse, dry, or flaky, tea tree wants to help. Transform the scraggly mess you currently have into a lush Amazonian rainforest of hair, just as thick, full, and intensely hydrated as the real thing. Not only will you look like the magnificent manly beast you are, but you’ll smell amazing too.

EUCALYPTUS

Not only is it the koala’s feast of a lifetime, but we menfolk quite like it as well—though for different reasons. Those reasons relate to the attainment of the most glorious hair ever to grace this delightful planet. Like a gladiator helping to free a nation from a tyrannical overlord by slaying him in a fierce battle before a live audience, eucalyptus helps to strengthen hair strands, improve elasticity, and stimulate hair follicles—setting your hair free from that oppressive condition known as balding. Turn your hair, whether facial or otherwise, into the impressive warrior it longs to be—eucalyptus will whip it into shape faster than a cheetah burns off the calories from that donut it allowed itself on cheat day.

PEPPERMINT

Who doesn’t love peppermint? Male pattern balding, that’s who. Kick that loathsome creature to the curb with the glory of peppermint oil. Peppermint is good for a number of things: indigestion, Christmas, candles, tea. But it’s also quite magnificent at encouraging hair growth. It lends its wonderfully smelling hand in keeping the scalp clean, dandruff free, and ph balanced, all while simultaneously soothing troublesome inflammation or irritation, stimulating hair growth, and delighting noses everywhere. Make like that pale green ice cream flavor that is incredibly refreshing on face meltingly hot days and get minty. My Polished Gentleman products did, all so that you can too.