ABOUT OUR PRODUCTS

What more do you need to know about my products? That they’re organic, natural, and made with ingredients so powerful they could tame a shark on steroids while simultaneously healing it of the heartbreak that led it to use such aggression as a form of self-expression in the first place?

There’s also the fact that I find chemicals to be decidedly unpolished. Therefore, I keep them out—just as small giants keep scrawny, beardless adolescents from entering establishments which serve exclusively firewater (also known as strong alcohol, for the unenlightened).

Or, perhaps you’d like to know that my products are all carefully pH balanced; this is because when something is unbalanced, it’s put in a straitjacket and that just isn’t very productive. Nor is it particularly classy. Unless you’re a suave old-timey magician removing it in record time in front of an audience that half-hopes you’ll die.

When you minimize or remove any possibility for irritation or damage, you are left with something pristine and polished. Like a perfectly manicured mustache. Or impeccably groomed sideburns. Or a freshly washed and waxed rhino that glows so fiercely in direct sunlight those who behold it lose their ability to see forever.

What does all this mean exactly? It’s simple. Get Polished Gentleman. Posthaste.