You wish to know more about me, goodman? Well, that’s a given, after all I’m the only man to have ever scaled Mount Everest in a tuxedo, seen all eight wonders of the world (on the back of a bear, no less), believed it’s not butter, held the record for the longest stretch of windsurfing in the Sahara Desert, reconciled a cobra and mongoose (thus saving their marriage), and trained a Lannister how to fence completely handless.
Being polished is not just a matter of importance, it is as essential as more than one set of sheets, creative cufflinks, sugar cubes at afternoon tea, flawless manners, a mean right hook, and even oxygen.
Hear me now, sirs, because I have a dream. A dream where chivalry is not dead, beards and mustaches are impeccably maintained, wearing jeans and flip flops together is a punishable by law, luscious locks are attainable for all, beating a live mountain lion at chess is a mandatory life skill, and health is notsacrificed for physical beauty. Because yes, a real man can and should be polished—just look at Jared Leto.
But a gentleman’s physique can come in all shapes and sizes—small beards, large beards, long hair, short hair, fun sized, king sized. Like an albino lion, Polished Gentleman wants you to bare your own perfect, masculine holiness to the world.
A true gentleman does not let another gentleman use subpar products. Nor does he allow a fellow gentleman to watch terrible remakes, listen to any song that utilizes such words as “bae” or “shawty,” or do any dancing that involves whipping.
Armed with breath more minty than mint, a first edition of the Gentleman’s Code, and a non-prescription monocle, I’m here to guide you on this journey of self-discovery, unrestrained hairiness, and cliff diving. All you need to do is follow my instructions the way a trained hound follows the scent of a rabid possum the park ranger has been trying to track down and kill for the last three weeks.