Do you have a money-back guarantee?
A polished gentleman always does. You see, my goodman, the Bro Code originally stems from the Gentleman’s Code.
The very first rule is to never tap dance. Ever. But the second rule is to never abandon a gentleman in need. So, good sir, worry not. Something to keep in mind, however, is that people vary in their responsiveness. Some respond quickly, like a snake striking an unsuspecting, yet adorable, mouse. In others, it takes time.
Like said snake digesting previously mentioned mouse. Perhaps a better example would have been an aircraft versus a horse. Oh well, too late now. The point is: give it time. Specifically, it can take up to three months of consistent use to see a marked difference. Just like when you’re working on that six pack (and I don’t mean of your grandfather’s ale). Both are beneficial, both you won’t regret—that much I can guarantee.
Do you ship internationally?
Alas, my goodman, I am saddened to inform you that for now the answer is no. I am not, as of yet, able to traverse the great oceans of this earth to deliver your perfectly polished goods.
As any great gentleman does, I am constantly working to improve—take, for example, Ryan Reynolds—so keep a monocle out for this feature in the near future. If you simply must have your Polished Gentleman as soon the winds of the world allow, just write me an unnecessarily romantic email stating your views on the bowtie versus the tie. I will do everything I can to assist you in getting your Polished Gentleman on, even overseas.
Are your products safe for sensitive skin and hair?
Yes, yes, and once again, yes! I don’t really want to hurt you, sincerely, nor do I really want to make you cry—as you might ask, were you a member of Culture Club—and all my products are made with this in mind.
Devoid of all the bad things in this world, including such harmful substances as chemicals, clowns, sulfates, parabens, atomic weapons, mineral oils, fragrance, alcohol, mullets, and gluten, Polished Gentleman is only the best. That’s why I only use ingredients that are vegan friendly, food grade, organic, natural, and gentleman-approved. They’re safe for all types of skin and hair, even for that of Godzilla and King Kong—you just wouldn’t believe how unbelievably picky they can be.
What are the key ingredients in your products?
All of them! No, really, ALL OF THEM. For the sake of specificity, the Olympic gold medalists included in my ingredient lists are: manuka honey, aloe vera, cehami, tea tree oil, rosemary, peppermint, eucalyptus, and biotin. That’s to say nothing of the silver medalists, which only came in second by a few short milliseconds.
These ingredients are as powerful and potent as the Gods of Olympus themselves, minus the lightning bolts, and have been used to treat all sorts of ungentlemanly afflictions for about as long as Zeus has been relaxing in those delightful clouds. Get yourself a head of hair, along with a full and luscious beard, to rival his own and do it with my collection of majestic ingredients.
Are your ingredients organic?
Why, naturally! The great majority of my wondrous ingredients are food grade and organic, not to mention marvelous, stupendous, and also breathtaking. The few that are not organic shouldn’t be held at fault, because they just don’t exist in organic form! Like a pirate with two eyes or all four extremities, it’s just not possible. These occasional non-organic ingredients are safe, healthy, and essential to maintaining the stability of my products (because being unstable just isn’t very polished).
If you have any more questions that aren’t listed here, you might ask too many questions. As a side note, if you do have a problem asking too many questions, Dateline NBC may have a job offer for you! Nonetheless—if you ask, good sir, I will do my best to answer, because that is the gentleman’s way. Don’t believe me? Check your Gentleman’s Code.