THOSE HORRID THINGS WE CALL HAIR CONDITIONS

THOSE HORRID THINGS WE CALL HAIR CONDITIONS

Hair Loss — the bane of any gentleman’s existence. Whether due to natural, environmental, or paranormal causes, losing one’s luscious locks is worse than a hungry monkey losing an entire bushel of bananas in an underground high stakes poker game. As upsetting as that would be, having a lackluster mane might actually be worse. Possible causes include extremes like excessive oiliness or dryness, but the true villain in this piece is usually those horrid things we call chemicals. Most hair care products are overrun with those loathsome scumbags. As unnatural as a unicorn riding a unicycle—they have terrible balance—chemicals strip your scalp of its natural and necessary oils, dry out and damage the hair, and sometimes even go so far as to disrupt your natural hormone production or encourage cancer. Why anyone would put such things on or in that precious tool that is a gentleman’s body is a mystery to me. Just like why Mr. Clean is bald. Or what species Yoda belongs to. Or why men don’t wear suits every day of their lives anymore. Polished Gentleman is here so that you don’t have to trouble yourselves with any of these troublesome questions—you don’t have to worry about chemicals, or losing an entire bushel of bananas, with my special hair growth formula.

Dry Scalp or Hair—that condition which makes being polished so much more difficult than it has to be. Itchiness? No, thank you. Flaky white skin? Definitely no. Potential hair loss? Good gracious, goodman, NO. A scalp as dry as a Southern California riverbed just isn’t attractive, nor is it remotely comfortable. Nor conducive to…anything, really. As any perfectly pampered porpoise would tell you, keeping things properly hydrated is one of the best ways to stay polished. Another valid way is to pack a trunk with your finest trousers (along with their appropriate suspenders), purchase a hot air balloon, eighty-one days’ worth of meatball subs, and get up close and personal with all Nine Wonders of the Ancient World. Invite a bear along, if you’re feeling truly adventurous.

Oily Scalp or Hair—also known as that condition which makes looking clean particularly impossible. One does not often use the words “greasy” and “gentleman” in the same sentence. Not only does excess oil make your manly mane look more like a dirty mop than the glorious crown of thick, soft hair it should be, but it also turns you into more of a “Professor Snape” than a “Jared Leto.” And that is never wanted. Or needed. Always. Perhaps more serious than looking like a bum who showered in old french fry grease that’s seen one too many potatoes is the fact that excessive oil of the scalp can clog pores—leading to unsightly and uncomfortable skin conditions, loss of the lovely strands sprouting from that magnificent head of yours, and stares that imply you may be a new member of the mafia trying to impress the boss with hair so slick and shiny it reflects the clouds above you. None sound particularly desirable or polished.

Dandruff—that most meddlesome and irritating of hair afflictions. Snow is beautiful, but not when it’s coming from your head, goodman. Don’t let your desk, or pillow, or favorite smoking jacket, become the site of history’s most epic, and localized, blizzard. When your scalp gets a bit too enthusiastic about creating new skin cells—faster than the old ones have time to perish—dandruff is created. If you take action now and shower your scalp with so much overwhelming love that it would never even think of trying to overachieve, you can avoid or even reverse this abominable condition. Make like a never-ending August thunderstorm in Florida that just can’t hold it in, and rain buckets of affection down on your precious man mane. And, my good sir, I don’t mean acid rain—I mean organic, natural, healthy, and therefore breathtaking, rain. Shall I be quite clear? I mean Polished Gentleman.

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